Penners and Inkers

Journalists are people who take in other people's washing and then sell it.
- Marjorie Barnard and Flora Eldershaw, Australian writing team

He has occasional flashes of silence that make his conversation perfectly delightful.
- British clergyman Sydney Smith on Thomas Babington Macaulay

I do not hate the critics. I have nothing but compassion for them. How can I hate the crippled, the mentally deficient and the dead?
- Albert Finney, British actor

God created the poet, then took a handful of the rubbish left over and made the critics
- T.J.Thomas

Dear Randolph, utterly unspoilt by failure.
- Noel Coward on Winston's son, writer Randolph Churchill

The triumph of sugar over diabetes.
- American drama critic George Jean Nathan on the works of British writer J.M Barrie

I would praise Joad's new book, but modesty forbids.
- Bertrand Russel on fellow British philosopher C.E.M. Joad

Who can define him? His style is chaos illuminated by flashes of lightning. As a writer he has mastered everything except language; as a novelist he can do everything except tell a story. As an artist he is everything except articulate.
- Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit on British novelist George Meredith

Time is the only critic without ambition
- John Steinbeck, American writer

This film wasn't released. It escaped.
- James Caan, American actor

It is only an auctioneer who can equally and impartially admire all schools of art.
- Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit.

Movers, Warblers and Other Noise Makers

Far too noisy, my dear Mozart, far too many notes...
- Archduke Ferdinand of Austria on Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera.
- James Stephens, critic

Modern music is just noise with attitude
- Patrick Murray, British actor

This man has child-bearing lips
- American comedian Joan Rivers on Mick Jagger

After Rossini dies, who will there be to promote his music?
- German composer Richard Wagner on Italian composer Gioacchino Rossini

Human by Correspondence

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
- British statesman John Bright on Benjamin Disraeli

The Prime Minister has an absolute genius for putting flamboyant labels on empty luggage.
- British politician Aneurin Bevan on Harold Macmillan

Giving money and power to the government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P.J O'Rourke, American writer

Tony Blair has pushed moderation to extremes
- Robert MacLennan, Scottish politician

His ear is so sensitively attuned to the bugle note of history that he is often deaf to the more raucous clamor of modern life.
- British Labour Politician Aneurin Bevan on Winston Churchill

John Major is the only man who ran away from the circus to become an accountant.
- Edward Pearce, British writer

A statesman is a dead politician. We need more statesmen.
- Bob Edwards, American radio host

Most politicians look like people who have become human by correspondence course.
- A.A Gill, British columnist

All political parties die at last swallowing their own lies.
- John Arbuthnot, Scottish writer and physician

In pierre Trudeau, Canada has at last produced a politician worthy of assassination.
- Irving Layton, canadian poet

Politicians are like nappies. They should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
- Patrick Murray, British actor

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel.
- John Quintan, British commentator

Poor George. He can't help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.
- Ann Richards, former Governor of Texas

George Bush's problem is that the clothes have no emperor
- Anna Quindlen, American writer

Foreigners and Their Parts

America is a society which believes that God is dead but Evil is alive.
- Irving Kupcinet, American columnist

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence to never practice either of them.
- Mark Twain, American writer

There won't be any revolution in America... the people are too clean. They spend all their time changing their shirts and washing themselves. You can't feel fierce and revolutionary in a bathroom.
- Eric Linklater, British writer

Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
- Walter Walker, British general

I like the English. The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.
- Thomas Beecham, British conductor

Heaven is and English policeman, a French cook, a German engineer, an Italian lover and everything organized by the Swiss. Hell is an English cook, a French engineer, a German policeman, a swiss lover and everything organized by Italians
- John Elliot, American songwriter

An Iranian moderate is one who has run out of ammunition.
- Henry Kissinger, German-American politician

The high standards of Australians are due to the fact that their ancestors were all handpicked by the best English judges.
- Douglas Copland, Canadian novelist

The Body Beautiful

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome. But I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself.
- Roseanne Barr, American comedian

Seize the moment. Think of all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.
- Erma Bombeck, American humorist

Think of me as a sex symbol who doesn't give a damn.
- Phyllis Diller, American comedian

The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes.
- William Shakespeare, British dramatist

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemeum.
- P.G Wodehouse, British writer

She is a peacock in everything but beauty.
- Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit

Men and women on Boys and Girls

Tired mothers find that spanking takes less time than reasoning and penetrates sooner to the seat of memory.
- Will Durant, American historian

There are a few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.
- Doug Larson, British racer

The worst eternal triangle known is: teenager, parent and telephone
- Lavonne Mathison, American writer

Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble.
- Martin Mull, American actor

The only sense I can make out of having kids is that it's a good way to become a grandparent.
- Ralph Noble, American writer

Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to talk to them.
- Steve Martin, American comedian

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.
- Lawrence J. Peter, American writer famous for The Peter Principle, he management law that states that everyone is promoted up to the point where they reach their level of incompetence.

No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement.
- Florida Scott-Maxwell, American journalist

Parents are not interested in justice; they are interested in peace and quiet.
- Bill Cosby, American comedian

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see the beach. I'll go over to a little baby and say, 'What are you doing here? You've never worked a day in your life.'
- Steven Wright, American comedian

Women on Women and Men

There is so little difference between husbands that you might as well keep the first.
- Adela Rogers Saint-Johns, American writer

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
- Mae West, American actor

When a man makes woman his wife, it's the highest compliment he can pay her, and it's usually the last.
- Helen Rowland, American journalist

Men on Men and Women

My wife finds it hard to envision me as the end product of millions of years of evolution.
- Bob Barnes, American cartoonist

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right
- Woody Allen, American film maker, comic and writer

Of all my wife's relations I like myself the best
- Joe Cook, American actor

Brigands demand your money or your life - women require both.
- Samuel Butler, British writer

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen, American film maker, comic and writer

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices until she hasn't done it.
- Evan Esar, American humorist

Have I ever paid for sex? Only emotionally
- Lee Hurst, British comedian

I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.
- Bernard Manning, British comedian

I will not allow my daughters to learn foreign languages because on tongue is sufficient for a woman.
- John Milton, British poet

Under 21 women are protected by law; over 65 they're protected by nature; anything in between is fair game.
- Cary Grant, American actor

God made Adam before Eve because he didn't want any advice on the matter.
- Patrick Murray, British actor

Making a living 2

The general advertiser's attitude would seem to be: if you are a lousy, smelly, idle, under-priviliged, overweight and oversexed status-seeking moron, give me your money.
- Kenneth Bromfield, American writer

I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse.
- Clinton Jones, American footballer

When you've got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow.
- American wit Fern Naito famously paraphrased by Richard Nixon as 'If you've got them by balls, their hearts and minds will follow.'

We don't just honour credit cards, we venerate them!
- Dale McFeathers, American journalist

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions no-one has asked them.
- Leo Tolstoy, American actor

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
- Katheleen Norris, American novelist

Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly.
- George Raft, American actor

We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and tax it out of business?
- Will Rogers, American humorist

Making a Living

Money is something that you have got to make in case you don't die.
- Max Asnas, Russian-American restaurateur

It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
- Philip Gibbs, English writer

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
- Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit

They were a people so primitive that they did not know how to get money except by working for it.
- Joseph Addison, English essayist

An expert is someone who has made all the mistakes that can be made, but in a very narrow field.
- Niels Bohr, Danish atomic physicist

They say it's better to be poor and happy than to be rich and miserable. But couldn't some compromise be worked out, like being moderately wealthy and just a little money?
- John Henry, American futures trader

I don't know much about being a millionaire but I'll bet I'd be a darling at it.
- Dorothy Parker, American journalist, writer and all-round wit

The world is filled with willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them
- Robert Frost, American poet

It's Good to be Bad

There's nothing like good food, good wind a bad girl
- Robin Williams, American actor and comedian

Have you heard about the Irishman who joined Alcoholics Anonymous?
He still drinks, but under a different name.
-Aubrey Dillon, Malone, British wirter

I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.
-Steven Peral, American comic

After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations.
- Oscar Wilde, Irish Playwright and Wit